there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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