Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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