so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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