my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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