you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
