The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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