When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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