i just had sex bonerless
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
