Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
