Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
