I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize