So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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