I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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