the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
