Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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