it hurts more in the daytime
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
