i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
