Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
