she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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