College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i've created a new STD.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
