I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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