I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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