If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
