I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
