Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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