This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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