My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
