if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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