I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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