I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize