What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
