The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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