i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
