ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
