At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
