Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
