I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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