I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize