Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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