i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
