and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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