My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
