Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
