I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize