Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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