did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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