Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
