You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
that may or may not have been my penis.
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