I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
