My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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