Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
