I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
