I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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