I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
