I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
