if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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