we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
