Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
