Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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