the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
