Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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