thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
